


Twisted Mirror

by HyperKid



Series: I Am Only Here To Hurt You [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Essek is not as observant as Yussah, M/M, Multi, Prodigies, Protective Beau, Warning: implied abuse of a minor, dark dark shadowgast, dark themes, kinda on both sides, poor bb Bren, warning: Trent motherfucking Ikithon, warning: implied dubcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-30 14:29:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20448647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid
Summary: Something about Essek puts Caleb on edge, but he’s not sure what. He knows how to pay for magic, though.Beau isn’t about to let him do it. Or let Essek get away with it. If he knows...Continuation of Payment.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HK: I feel like the series title kinda says it all, honestly. This nasty little idea got itself hooked in my head quite a while ago.   
Mollymauk: Do you have to ruin everything people enjoy?   
HK: Pretty sure that’s implied by “fanfic author”?   
Mollymauk: ... You’re not wrong, but is it necessary?   
HK: Not really. If it helps, this is popped out into a lil AU and I do have some nice soft Shadowgast floating around. This is not the same verse as After Work.   
Mollymauk: Yeah, kinda coulda ruined that one in retrospect.   
HK: Kinda ruins everything. I’m sorry shippers! I shall feed you eventually I promise. 
> 
> WARNINGS!! Ooooooh we went dark here. References to child abuse, rape of a minor, dubcon - both in the “thinks he has no choice” and “no idea what he’s actually consenting to”, nonspecific sexual references. There is no fluff here, only punching. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, I only ruin it

It took Caleb a while to realise what it was about Essek that put him on edge. The drow was always genial, always confident, and he had been nothing but helpful to the Nein. 

Helpful to Caleb in particular, offering the gift of dunamancy. 

There really was no obvious reason for the way Caleb’s hackles rose whenever he appeared. Well. If you ignored the way every powerful mage Caleb met triggered a warning in his brain. 

But this was something different from the terror Yussah inspired. There were... edges to the feeling, something almost like anger that pushed the fear down to a more manageable level. 

Essek was so smug. So arrogant, so self assured and so condescendingly amused every time one of the visitors betrayed any ignorance. He gloried in knowing something they didn’t, handing out information like a benevolent parent dispensing sweets. 

Even as he taught Caleb magic, he treated every advance he made as some kind of surprise, like no human could have possibly kept up with him. And there was a word that stuck in Caleb’s brain. 

Prodigy. 

It was that which flicked the switch, that finally unlocked the answer. Not delivered in Essek’s cool, smug tones, but grumbled by Beauregard one evening after Essek left from a long day of teaching magic. 

“Ugh, he’s insufferable. Like being a “prodigy” makes him better than everyone else.” 

She was being uncharitable, cranky after another night of the loud grinding of stone on stone. 

But that was when it clicked. 

It was him. Essek reminded him of himself in such a powerful, visceral way. The ever smug, ever confident teenaged boy who had been taken to the Soltryce Academy and praised and told he was special. 

It was no wonder Caleb had a strong underlying desire to punch him. 

It didn’t matter that the drow was a hundred years his senior. That he’d been studying longer than Caleb had been alive. He was everything Caleb would have been if he had never broken. 

Part of Caleb wanted to protect him. To ensure that Essek never became him, as irrational as that was. That Essek was never pushed until he broke. 

Part of him wanted to beat that arrogance, that cock sure certainty that everyone else was beneath him right out of him. 

But it did help Caleb to understand what Essek wanted from him. What he would have wanted, if he was still that boy. The price paid for magic. 

The first time Caleb went to his knees in the library, the drow seemed surprised, but enthusiastic. He grew freer with his touches, trailing a hand through Caleb’s hair, along his arm, down his back as they read. It only confirmed Caleb’s belief; this was what the drow expected. 

The thrill of learning dunamancy, of finally being so close to the power he craved was more than worth the use of his body. It felt... right. Familiar. Knowing his place, knowing how the deal worked, knowing he was paying for his tutelage and the incredible lure of dunamancy meant that he could even muster some enthusiasm. 

Lessons with Essek were exciting. And if he was a little more reserved after, if he bathed after every one to scrub the other wizard’s touch from his skin, he didn’t expect anyone to notice. 

*** 

Beau noticed. 

After Yussah and his warning, she’d watched Caleb carefully around Essek from the start. Knowing his history, it wasn’t much of a surprise that he all but bit Essek’s hand off when he offered magic. 

The first time she caught Caleb in the bath within a minute of the drow leaving, Yasha and Jester both had to sit on her to stop her from chasing Essek down and beating his ass. But she couldn’t exactly explain why. It wasn’t her story. 

She could tell Essek to get fucked, though. 

Poor choice of words. 

She was out the next time Essek came to teach, but by a stroke of luck she was returning just as he left. Beau was never one to look a gift horse in the mouth. 

“We need to talk, and I need to know you’re not gonna fucking lie to me.” Something in her tone pulled Essek up short and he frowned, puzzled. Confusion turned to shock as Beau jammed her knuckles into his solar plexus, then grabbed his arm and yanked him around to the side of the house. 

The side away from the spa. She had a feeling there was going to be some yelling involved. 

Essek started the yelling, stumbling after her in the most awkward way she’d ever seen him move. 

“What was that for!” It was likely the shock of a completely unexpected attack that stopped him from responding magically, but Beau figured she’d take what she could get. 

“I told you, I need to know you’re not gonna fucking lie to me,” she growled, folding her arms, “and that you get it when I tell you to leave Caleb alone.” 

Essek’s brows furrowed as he pulled himself together, rising once more a few inches above the ground. 

“I don’t know what relationship you believe you have with him, but he’s a grown man and capable of making his own decisions,” he told her coldly, just a trace of a smirk appearing at the corner of his mouth. 

Beau’s fists clenched in spite of herself, and one of Essek’s hands rose from his side, ready to cast a spell. But something was poking in the back of Beau’s mind. Essek was a cocky little shit, brash and arrogant and a pain in the ass. He also really, really didn’t know what she was talking about. 

Her eyes narrowed speculatively. 

“You know he thinks he’s paying you, right?” 

Credit where it was due, Essek twigged almost immediately to what she meant. A small frown tugged across his face and he deflated a little, sinking closer to the street. 

“I... must admit I’m a little disappointed,” he said slowly, gaze drifting briefly to the cobbles, then back to her face, “but I hardly see why there should be such dramatics. I will correct him and we will discuss things from there. You could have simply told me,” he added more sharply, his eyes narrowing. “There is nothing shameful in sex work.” 

Beau closed her eyes for a moment, forcing herself to breathe. Alright. No details, but it seemed like Essek would need things spelled out for him. 

“He thinks he’s paying you because when he was a kid, someone taught him that’s how you pay for magic,” she ground out the words, glaring at Essek to see if he’d worked out their meaning. 

It was an interesting experience to see a drow go from blue grey to almost literally white as Essek paled. There was a soft thunk as his feet hit the street again, losing concentration on his magic entirely. For the first time since they’d met, he was speechless, shaken. 

It helped to cool Beau’s temper, smoothing her hackles down. He didn’t know. Hadn’t known. Probably just thought Caleb found him ~irresistible~. 

“I... I don’t... I didn’t...” Essek stuttered over his words, looking desperately from Beau to his own hands and back. It took a visible effort for him to compose himself, drawing himself back up to his full height. It was a couple of inches shorter than he usually floated. 

“I am sorry, Beauregard. I have been... unaccountably rude. Thank you for informing me. I will...” his voice trailed off again, eyes unfocusing as he stared into the distance, looking for an end to the sentence. Then he sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I have no idea what I’ll do.” 

“Tell him you’re stopping,” Beau prodded, her eyes narrowing. Essek waved a hand dismissively, paused, and sighed. 

“Of course. I just... what can I tell him? How do I explain? How can I ever look him in the eye again, knowing this?” 

He sounded so lost, so close to broken that she had to relent a little. 

“Some shit you can’t fix, Theylass,” she grumbled, running a hand through her hair, “believe me, if I knew what to say to Caleb to get this shit out of his head, I would. But he likes you well enough, and he needs you. Needs you to keep teaching him spells,” she snapped when Essek opened his mouth to argue, “just don’t make it weird.” 

The wizard paused, a thoughtful frown passing across his face. Something in what he’d been teaching, in what Caleb Widogast was so eager to learn... he dismissed the thought for the moment and refixed his attention on the woman in front of him. 

“Would you...” he hesitated, uncertain again in the face of her steely glare. It had been a very, very long time since he had felt so unbalanced by anyone. Or anything. 

When she didn’t so much as blink, he forced himself to press on. 

“Would you sit in on a few of our lessons? If Caleb would be more... comfortable? So that he understands I have no intention of taking advantage of him?” 

That actually managed to surprise Beau, her frown melting into mild confusion. And just a little apprehension. She could already think of a dozen ways for Caleb to misinterpret that. 

But... 

Yeah. Caleb might feel more comfortable with some back up. 

She’d feel better with her eyes on Essek to make sure the slippery fuck wasn’t trying anything. 

Reluctantly, she nodded. 

“Yeah. We can try that. As long as he’s okay with me being there.” 

Essek managed a strained smile, drawing himself up and back into a floating stance. 

“If he’s still okay with me being there, I can hardly imagine why he would object to you. Should I... talk to him now?” He actually bobbed up and down, wavering again and glancing back towards the building. 

Beau shook her head curtly, pointing to the street. 

“No. He’s going to be in the bath for at least an hour. Tomorrow.” 

Essek visibly flinched, pulled himself together, and gave her a curt nod in return. 

“Thank you, Beauregard. I am... sorry your help was needed.” 

“Yeah, well. Me too,” she grumbled, and watched the wizard drift away. 

Pretentious ass. 

With a sinking feeling in her gut, Beau turned back to the house. It might be time for something she’d been dreading since Yussah had pulled her aside for a private word on the stairs; a conversation. 


	2. The Hard Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking to Essek went a lot better than expected. Which kinda means Beau has to talk to Caleb about it too rather than get the group together to murder Essek. 
> 
> She’d prefer murder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HK: I wasn’t sure this was gonna keep going, but Beau and Caleb have such fun conversations.   
Mollymauk: One day they might even communicate.   
HK: Optimism or sarcasm?   
Mollymauk: Bit of both. So, is this gonna be it?   
HK: It might be. Literally at the last sentence my brain went “hey now make Essek watch them do it” so who knows? It’ll be self contained if it happens.   
Mollymauk: Never done with the pain.   
HK: Never done with these awkward motherfuckers.   
Mollymauk: Now that, I can get behind. 
> 
> WARNINGS!! Nonspecific trauma references, drastic misunderstandings, mild soap based violence 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one but I am having a good time borrowing them

“Turn around, dumbass.” 

Caleb paused, half twisted around to try and scrub the small of his back, eyes narrowing. They relaxed when he caught sight of Beau and he curled in on himself. 

“Beauregard. Go away.” 

Ignoring him entirely, Beau strode to the edge of the spa, dumping her vestments to one side. 

“You’re not gonna get that yourself. You’re not a fuckin’ octopus.” 

A hint of smile flicked briefly across the wizard’s face, gone almost before it appeared. 

“I will manage. Leave me alone.” 

Stopping at the edge, Beau leaned both hands against the wall of the pool and stared him dead in the eye. 

“There a particular reason you don’t want to be touched, Caleb?” 

He drew in a breath sharply enough that he physically recoiled. Met her gaze for a long moment. Glared into the water, turning sharply away. 

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“Yussah told me enough.” Internally Beau kicked herself; it had come out like an accusation. She wasn’t here for a fight. She wanted... dammit, she wanted to be a good fucking friend. But she sucked at it. 

Caleb’s entire body froze at the other wizard’s name, his wash cloth dropping from slack fingers. Beau hurried on, hoping she could moderate her tone, which fucking would not stop sounding combative, with her words. 

“He told me to take care of you. Didn’t have to. But I’m not going to let you fucking hurt yourself like this.” The wizard flinched like he’d been hit at the profanity and Beau flinched too, suddenly realising what she’d said. “Fuck... sorry Caleb.” 

She could see the way his chest expanded as he sucked in a breath, shoulders settling into a rigid determination that was all too familiar. She was almost ready for the icy glare he gave her. 

“What I do is none of your business, Beauregard. I will remind you to keep out of it.” It was the kind of frostiness they’d barely ever heard from Caleb, even when they’d first met. The only other time she’d heard that tone Fjord had a blade at his neck. 

In a way, it helped. Brought her own anger up to match his, gave her something to feel that she actually understood. Something that wasn’t upset, worry, helplessness, all the things she sucked at. 

“Does Essek even fucking know?” She asked, like she didn’t know the answer. Like she hadn’t watched Essek drop out of the sky at the realisation. 

Real anger flashed across Caleb’s face, his hands clenching into fists as he spun fully to face her. 

“Who are you to judge me?” He snarled, magic crackling beyond conscious control. 

It was enough to make Beau take a step back, hands raising defensively. This was all wrong, she should have brought Caduceus. The firbolg knew how to... 

What the fuck would Caduceus know about this? 

How would a boy literally from the fucking woods know the fucked up shit people did to each other? 

Beau sure as shit wouldn’t betray Caleb’s secrets even if he did. No, no one else could have come and done this. She had to do it herself, and she had to do it right. 

Forcing herself to stop, to take a breath, she met Caleb’s gaze with her most neutral expression. The best she could manage. 

“I’m not trying to judge you, Caleb. I really mean it. Did he ever ask you to do this?” Cuz if he had, Beau was going to find a way to kill him, no matter what he’d said before. 

Caleb seemed puzzled by the sudden deescalation, slowly deflating when she didn’t yell back. Still he glared at her, muscles knotted tight enough she could see them clearly. Holding himself in check. 

“Beauregard. It is... none of your business what I do with Essek. How I choose to spend my time. It will not hurt the group. I did not tell you about my past for you to become my chaperone.” He was matching her, voice lowered, more towards that icy calm than the rage of his yelling. 

Fuck it, he wasn’t yelling. Small victories. 

Beau stepped closer, leaning her hands on the edge of the tub. 

“And believe me, Caleb, I’m not trying to be. I don’t give a shit what you get up to on your time. But you’re my friend, and I care about you, and I don’t want you fuckin’ torturing yourself like this when you don’t need to.” 

He reared back like she’d struck him, again, and she could feel the rage bubbling up inside. Who the fuck had made Caleb so certain to expect a blow? Who the fuck made “friend” such a bad word he’d recoil from it? She had a fair idea, and she and Dairon were going to be having words about the Cerberus Assembly. 

Four letter words. At volume. 

For now she struggled to keep her anger contained. No point letting Caleb think she was angry at him. 

The disdainful scowl he shot her next almost pushed her over. 

“I do not expect you to understand magic, Beauregard,” he snarked, and Beau threw her hands into the air in frustration. 

“Magic has nothing to do with it, Caleb! But Essek thinks you wanna fuck him cuz you like him, not for some transactional bullshit! You’re the only one who thinks that’s how this has to go!” 

Caleb went whiter than Essek had. Every ounce of colour blanched from his face and his voice dropped to a low hiss. 

“You talked to him?” He sounded... dangerous. 

She knew he was dangerous. Had seen him in battle a thousand times by now. It had never really been... personal before. Never something she expected to see thrown at her. 

Guilt mixed in with her frustration and she felt her own cheeks colouring. Hopefully Caleb wouldn’t notice, since she wasn’t pale as a fucking ghost. Folding her arms she huffed, viciously shoving down the street kid that insisted he was right. She’d betrayed him. 

Fucking wouldn’t have if he would handle his own fucking business and fucking talk to people instead of always fucking punishing himself. Fuck honour amongst thieves, but Beau had a code, and Caleb was one of hers now. She had his fucking back, whether he liked it or not. 

Unable to meet his eye, she scowled at his elbow instead. 

“I ~was~ gonna beat the shit out of him, but he had no idea what I was fuckin’ talking about,” she admitted, just a little bit hating how sullen she sounded. 

Yeah, she knew she’d fucked up the “keeping secrets” thing. Because she was right. He just needed to admit it. 

Caleb just stared at her for a long moment, jaw working silently as he tried to work out how to respond. What to say. Not the first time she’d seen him speechless. 

“What did you say to him?” He finally rasped, his voice hoarse and ragged, but growing louder with every word. “Why the hells did you have to get involved?!” 

Beau ~knew~ it was the guilt feeding back into anger that pushed her into scowling back at him. Knew the shame of breaking trust was so much easier to handle by getting pissed at him. That didn’t seem to stop a damn thing. 

“Because I fucking care about you, asshole! I didn’t fucking tell him shit, just what Yussah told me about you thinking you’ve gotta fucking hook for magic lessons and he nearly passed the fuck out!” 

Caleb’s hands rose like he wanted to throttle her, fingers twitching with what might have been aborted spells. Beau didn’t seriously believe he’d cast one. Not on purpose. 

But maybe she shoulda told one of the clerics anyway. 

They’d hear the yelling though. 

For a long moment Caleb’s fury seemed beyond words. He opened and closed his mouth again, aborted exclamations cut off into nothing as his hands clenched. When he spoke again he sounded like he’d been gargling glass, like not screaming fucking hurt him. 

“If he does not come back... if he...” the wizard stopped, apparently unable to find a threat dire enough. 

Beau had to wonder what he’d considered. Kill her would be pretty standard. Nothing she’d not heard before, nothing that’d trouble her. Nothing that would hurt. Not even from a friend. 

Leave? 

No. If Caleb was gonna leave, it’d have been when Jester, Fjord, and Yasha were taken. They’d been through too much now, been together too long for that. 

She thought. 

Hoped. 

Had a moment of sudden, real fear that cut through everything else and made her lower her voice. Get herself back under control. 

The fuck was Essek teaching him that was so important? It didn’t matter. Whatever it was, she’d make sure he kept doing it. 

She managed a step closer, trying to remember her breathing exercises. To get herself back under control. She could do it. 

Her voice sounded almost steady by the time she spoke, and she couldn’t help being a little proud. Undisciplined her fucking ass. 

“He’s coming back tomorrow, same as always. Didn’t wanna talk to you about it himself. But he asked me to sit in so you’d know he didn’t wanna force anything.” 

To be a chaperone, she realized as she said it, an entirely inappropriate smile tugging at her lips. Exactly what she’d told Caleb she wasn’t gonna do. But fuck it, Essek was allowed to request adult supervision too. 

And she’d knocked Caleb off balance again at least. She could practically see the damage calculations going on in his head, trying to work out what to do, what his next move should be. What Essek might have said to her, what he’d really meant. 

She fucking hoped he’d be getting his head out of his ass and realize she was right. That Essek really, really didn’t want to take advantage of him. 

Might as well press the point home since he was already reeling. 

“I can still kick his ass if you want. Cocky little dick shouldn’t have fucking assumed you’d just find him irresistible. But you don’t have to do that shit anymore, Caleb. Not unless you actually want to. Fuck, there’s enough of us now we can do all kinds of shit if you need to trade, and all these wizard types always seem to need shit fetched and carried around. You can just... ask us. And if it’s that important to you, we can work shit out. You’re not alone anymore, Caleb.” 

And okay, maybe a little of that was projecting, but Beau still found it hard enough to believe that they’d have her back, so she was gonna fucking say it at every opportunity. Not like Caleb Self Deprecation Widogast was gonna believe it before she did. 

She was maybe glaring at him again, just a little. For putting her in this position. Making her be the fucking adult, doing all this touchy feely crap, when they both knew she sucked at it. She’d thought that’d be over when they’d left the boat but apparently being first mate stuck. 

Caleb certainly didn’t want to believe a word of it. Something she said must have struck home though, because he stopped yelling. Breathing like he’d run a marathon, glowering like he’d like to kill her. But quiet. 

Probably knowing that Essek was still coming back, really. He’d gone straight to damage control, but there was some confusion showing too. 

It’d be easy to believe Essek had just lied to Beau, since he was coming back anyway. Easy to believe things would just keep going as before. But he’d asked Beau to attend, and Beau had agreed. It was always possible he’d done it only to get Beau off his back. 

It was always possible there would be some repercussions later, if Essek were half the monster Caleb seemed sure he was. Beau wasn’t going to worry about it, not after seeing his reaction that afternoon. The trick will be convincing Caleb. 

Either way, for the next lesson at least, Caleb wouldn’t have to offer his... attention. 

The realization unknotted something in his back, his shoulders settling almost a full inch. Beau’s settled with them, and she let herself suck in a breath. 

Then the wash cloth hit her in the face. 

“Fine,” Caleb grumbled, turning his back on her and sitting in the water. It wasn’t an apology or anything like it, but it was a truce. 

Beau was fully tempted to whip the cloth back, but she held it in check. Honestly this is about as well as she could have expected this to go. 

It’s a fucking miracle they managed to end in anything but yelling. 

She hesitated for a moment, then stripped and joined Caleb in the bath. He’d not bothered to step closer, scrubbing soap viciously across his arms, so she didn’t have much choice. Part of her wanted to ask what he’d done today that made him so desperate to be clean. 

But she knew better than to ask. Soaping up the cloth herself, she began rubbing carefully across his back. Muscles jumped at her touch, almost flinching away, but he stilled. She felt the deep breath he sucked in before leaning back into her. 

“Harder,” he directed in a whisper, and Beau obeyed. Kept scrubbing even as he pushed back, going harder again without being asked. 

The skin on his arms was already red raw, lines flushing along his back in the wake of the cloth. If she wasn’t so sure it was what he needed, Beau would have stopped. Instead, she gave his shoulder a light thump. 

“You start bleeding and we’re telling one of the clerics I kicked your ass,” she warned him and felt Caleb stiffen again. Felt him relax, almost certain she’d imagined the soft huff of laughter. 

“Okay,” he agreed in a whisper. 

It was his secret after all. His burden to shoulder. The idea of getting a healing spell without revealing it had never even occurred to him. 

In one of her angrier moments, Beau would take this as a sign that he still didn’t trust them. Didn’t consider himself part of the group, just a passenger, not someone to rely on. Today though, that protective rage was still burrowed under her skin. 

She knew about not wanting to be a burden. About not thinking you were worth defending. And she’d kick that right the fuck outta as many of the Nein as she could manage. 

Caleb was gonna have to be a long term project, but she’d get him in the end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HK: Alright everyone, stay safe, wear your masks, and don’t be like Beau and Caleb.

**Author's Note:**

> HK: Specifically, my thought was “y’know who’s not as observant as Yussah? And more likely to just go with it? This bitch”. So yeah, had to exorcise this one and feed the darkfic machine.


End file.
